Flawed, Inadequate and Happy

I had a mini meltdown yesterday. Completely lost my mind and did something so crazy and unthinkable I am still unable to speak of it.

I called a friend and broke down. She was absolutely patient in listening and talking sense to me. She said "you can only do your best even if your best may not be very good. Because what else can you do?"

It both made complete sense and sounded crazy at the same time. When I looked at it from my point of view, it sounded crazy because we should all be improving, doing better. To stop and admit that I am just a mediocre person who is pretty fucked in the head seems to be... admitting defeat and saying that I am inadequate. At the same time, it was also cathartic because when I accept I am inadequate, there is a sense of peace. I am inadequate thus, there will be things I have to accept that I am unable to do.

Going to what made me snap was the constant "advises" and "well intention suggestions" on how I am wrong, what I should be doing instead. It's similar to the whole breastmilk vs formula issue and in the heat of everything, I panicked and forgotten the most important element in this whole story. My kid. At all times, I should be asking myself, is she happy? Am I inflicting some deep psychology issue to her that will follow her for the rest of her life? Can I be doing more than what I am already doing?

My reaction to the whole issue stems from the truth that I am not providing as much as others, doing as well as others. But who knows what is happening behind closed doors? Everyone has their own pace. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Instead of asking what others are doing that I am not all the time, try asking am I happy? Is my kid happy? Sometimes, that is enough.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Confidence?

Some days I wake up, look into the mirror and think, if I was a dude, I'll wanna fuck me too. I'm not exactly sure where such confidence come from but its undeniable that it's there. It's always been there. But after the years that confidence manifests differently.

I find I no longer speak my mind as much and is more often quiet now. Partly because I am currently mixing in circles that are not typical for me; partly also because I no longer find the need to explain myself to others. Where I used to find myself launching into a debate or argument to iron out difference of opinion, I have now accepted that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that's the beauty of life. I am so confident that I no longer feel the need to start a debate to notch up a win for myself. I also realise how childish I am. I guess this is what people call adulting.

How did I get here you may ask? Well with a lot of introspection. I have been filling up my life with countless clutter and white noise precisely because it is human nature to fill in the blanks. But sometimes one has to go against the grain to find oneself. I have always advocated on taking the time to stop and look at where one is and figure out if I am closer to where I want to be or am I farther away. And it is time I take my own advise. I am facing my inner clutter and am working out the kinks within myself. This made life so much simpler. It's like using the Marie Kondo method but for my emotional baggage.

A lot of times we are so caught up in the rat race we forget to live. I was guilty of this. But the best thing is that I could and did make the decision to stop and smell the roses and boy, are they glorious. If you have been struggling with confidence issues or getting into mindless debates and want to stop, I wish you all the best.

Guess I've done enough boasting!

As the saying goes:

Let go, or be dragged.

What is happiness?

For people who knew me for a long time, it would come as a surprise that I have such a sudden and dramatic change of heart. I have always been the aggressive one, efficient have been the #1 word used to describe me by clients I serviced. So wanting to let go of this lifestyle and "be humbled" seems a complete 180.

However I have been feeling it for sometime. Yes I do enjoy the aggressiveness and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving milestones and with each achievement the motivation to accomplish more doubles. But there comes a time in life where one becomes jaded and start questioning the point of existence. Does it provide emotional or some would even say spiritual satisfaction?

I cannot speak for others but for myself, all this work has only highlighted the void. I will never and do not regret where my choices has brought me because I am currently doing something I enjoy very much. Writing, thinking, feeling.

There is a certain serenity that comes with doing something that brings me true joy. With writing I discovered a sense of fulfilment. I no longer feel the need to impress just anyone or make purchases to show off. I have begun starting to need less. Family and friends suddenly became more precious. The present became more solid than the past and future. Happiness can be found in simple things. Beauty seen everywhere.

Is this what happiness is?

One of the trademark of long distance relationship is how it can really make or break a relationship and I think this almost 10 years distance from writing made my fire burn brighter. My desire for it has fully consumed my being and only with writing the void seems to less significant. Life really is about learning. I am learning everyday and I hope that I will continue learning.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth ~ Henry David Thoreau

A New Beginning

The day is 6th May 2020, time 8.32pm on a warm Wednesday night.
I'm finally writing again.

Just to bring everyone up to date, I am turning 30 next year, I have achieved what I originally set out to do. That is to be a manager and to own my place and I did it. Amidst the 2 month long MCO shoved at us by the pandemic we call Covid-19 I spent plenty a time pondering and decided I want different things. My goals have changed.

My world is small, filled with unexplored territory and I have every intention to change that. Human are so tiny and minuscule yet I have been given a chance to live on this magnificent planet. It is a very personal choice how one chooses to live their life but I have decided that I want to be humbled, I long to be awed, I want to go out and see the world and be a part of people's lives.

When I started the year, I set up physical goals, to have certain muscles, to do certain exercises, have higher endurance. Which are all great things that I have never achieved. And as I have more and more time to think, I realise what I actually want is to explore Earth.

Mountains have a way with dealing with overconfidence.

This was a quote I read in a documentary and it resonates with me. I have met my share of overconfident people and it has been an eye-opening experience. With such experience, I made a vow to myself that I do not and would not like to be such a person. I want to be able to enjoy solitude, not need external validation. I want to see the beautiful collision of dirt that created something magnificent in magnitude and vision. I want see it in real life and be humbled into silence.

I want to be a better version of myself. I no longer want to be the person who's live is about work, money or beauty. I wanted to need less, consume less, live a more simple life materialistically and enrich my life with experience. Experience of being a genuine part of someone's life.

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self ~ Ernest Hemingway

A Wrap-up of 2014

Hi,

It's been some time hasn't it? So much has happened this year. I have switched to doing sales at an eCommerce company. My salary has indeed been raised. *winkwink
Responsibilities has increased. Erica is already 3 years old, going 4 once the new year kicks in. My hair is the longest ever. So is my weight, the heaviest ever. Spending power has increased. I have been single* for 2 years after my marriage and I think I'm finally ready to get the papers done.

So much has changed yet more has stayed the same. I'm 23 this year, no longer the young girl. The quarter century mark is looming closer yet am I closer to who I want to be?

I don't know.

I am no longer sure of what I want. Sure my heart still beats a little faster every time I hear a radio ad looking for announcers. But no longer am I sure that is what I want from life.

I joined this new company in April. It was easy peasy lemon sqeezy. I was the onboarding officer for MarketPlace. Before I even hit the 2 months mark, I had the job scope at the back of my hand. I was given the chance to join the fast depleting sales team. Everyone was leaving the team. Not one to say no to an opportunity, I accepted. 3 months in it and I am really soaring. Unfortunately every bird's gona hit something sooner or later. It came sooner than I thought. On the 6th month, something feels off. the drive to go to work is missing. The pressure is suffocating. The boss, overbearing. Colleagues plain annoying. I no longer enjoy work. I've considered changing back to my previous OBT. But persevered because for my last steady gig, I hit a stumped right around this time. Now its been 9 months, and I'm just lost. As for job wise, I'm none the wiser.

Then comes the motherhood segment. Hmmm.... How should I describe this? Erica has been more distant from me than she has ever been. I feel useless when I'm around her. Like I'm not needed. Like I'm just a namesake mum but never there, never wanted. But I know deep down that it is not true. But when my mum, especially my mum is around, I feel like that. All I do, she complains. For this year, I've been doing it her way. What advise she gives I try my best to stick to it. But I just realise a few days ago that it's not right. I starting to resent my time with Erica because of all the limitations, must-dos, should-dos I have to comply to, to meet my mum's standards. AND IT IS RIDICULOUS!

I've had enough of her and I've had enough of it. Limitations, Standards of Living, Must-Dos. Who uses these words anyway? I grew up in a time where I watched movie 24/7, I still survived my adolescence and I'm not stuck to the screen am I? Junk food, fast food, organic food, it's just food. If you can afford the good stuff, go ahead! But if you can't? It's ok. It's ok to give her some popcorns, twiggies, super ring, ribena, it's ok. Don't over think it. It's good enough for others, why isn't it good enough for you? Like I said, if you can comfortably afford it, go ahead. But If you can't it doesn't mean you have to work your ass off to pay for something you don't need. Stop chasing the unattainable. Stop thinking you are so high and mighty, There is chasing a dream then there is letting the dream destroy you. If you can't be bothered to potty train her, let her come into it! you don't have to potty train her the fastest. there is no fucking competition here! Don't let your ego burst your head!

As far as I'm concerned, I know she wants the best for me and for Erica and I am thankful for her being so pushy and supportive. She has brought me up and is still helping me. But I'm not her. I don't have a husband, I had a kid at 20, I don't have a good career, I don't have my shit together. I don't even know what I want. I don't have anyone besides my family. My family is all I have. But I am not her. And I cannot live my life according to what she thinks is the best. In my way I have tried. I've stopped going out with friends, Stop clubbing, Stop hanging out after hours. And now I'm at the in between stage where I don't really have friends to hang who has a family but I also don't have friends who wants to hang out with me for drinks. So all I do is stay home and be grumpy. Not a good thing. Not something I would suggest to anyone.

It's simple, I just goto balance it out. But getting there and maintaining the balance is a different kungfu altogether.

As for financial, I haven't exactly saved up either. Gona check out my bank balance and see what I need to do one day. Either this month or the next. Goto pick a good day. haha. Investments, not ready. So I'm just gona do it the ol fashioned way. Save. Not much to say here. Salary has gone up and so has expenditure. I'll just see what goes.

Relationship wise. Been 2 years. Do I have anyone special in my life? I wish. I do. But I don't. Am I ready to be in a relationship? Well, obviously not. Things are too good to forego now. I have everything MY FUCKING WAY. If I wana curse, I will curse, If I wana wear that obscenely tight dress, I will wear it. If I don't want to care how I look, I don't need to. But I sure do miss being in a relationship. I'll give you that. But all in all. I think I'm going to be single a little while longer.

What's my resolution for next year? Stay true to myself. Loosen the reigns. Have fun. Have control. Prolly gona get a tatt. But I'm still contemplating. Be spontaneous, be responsible, Have fun with Erica, not discipline her. Discipline is not everything. Relationship is. I need her to trust me, love me, need me, talk to me. But not everything is in our control is it? Sometimes, you just need to let God do His thing. Sometime we just need to ask Him for help. Money? It's a means to survive, but there are more important things out there. Acceptance? It's so tempting. It's so delicious, it's like that beautiful Haagen Dazs sitting there, just waiting for you to eat it. It does nobody harm anyway, does it? But be careful, one bite too many and it will consume you. It's ok though. Just remember to wake up and look around you, be appreciative, be thankful.

I guess this year is all about being true to yourself. or myself.

To my future self. A beautiful house is not important, a beautiful home is. A beautiful home is defined by how much the person who lives in the home loves it. How much they look forward to coming back and how much they appreciate having it. It doesn't need a lot of money. It needs a lot of time and love. The same thing applies to everything in life. Money is nothing without love. Love Erica, She is only going to be little for a short while. The beautiful angel who has rejected afternoon naps is finally having a nap on my mattress. While I play on the phone and type away on the lappie. I can do this. I don't need anyone's nod of approval,

Besides that? This was also the year I got around. haha

Self Loving

Practicing to type. Wonder how fast I can type. Apparently quite a number of jobs require fast typing. Does that mean I will be constantly staring at the screen?

Because I remember my sister’s first job. It requires her eyes to constantly be on the screen to type out reports of the problems people are facing. And the job pays only slightly better. And when I say slightly better, I mean like maybe 200-300 ringgit more?

I think from this exercise I’ve demonstrated to myself if not anyone else, that I can type fairly fast and well. I’m impressed. With myself. Haha. Too much self love? Well, people need it every now and then, in fact, more often than not, so why not? I will forever keep this er…passage?

Because recently I made a friend during an interview for Emirates flight attendants. And she told me she read my blog, and I was of course a lil shocked. So anyway, she asked me why I stopped posting stuff. And I had no good answer to that question. But today, here I am at McDonalds, typing away. I think my problem is that I lack motivation.

I guess I’ve known it for some time but this is the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.

This feels nice. I’m not sure if it is the fact that I’m out of the house, or because I’m writing, or because I have something to write that I feel confident about, but this feels nice.

I feel happy. This is what I should be doing.

I know Erica needs me, but I need to find myself, be true to myself in order to be able to take care of myself in order to take care of her. It doesn’t make Erica any less important than me. It’s just the same thing as the flight instructions. “Please put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others with their mask.” It’s as simple as that. 

Let's bring back roses wrapped in brown paper

Since Valentine's Day just passed, I feel that my first post of year 2014 should be about flowers.
Flowers. Glorious flowers. Beautiful, fragile livings that can turn your day around. Let's feast our eyes.

Remember, flower bouquet comes in many shapes and designs

Enjoying it in the wild

Classics

The beautiful sunflowers

I made a trip to a florists recently to discover that they do not wrap them in the customary brown paper any more, in fact they do not have any brown paper.

The only choice I had was either the see through plastic sheet or the colourful sheets of wrappings vying for attention. Now I would not say that they are beautiful or not because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

Roses in brown paper, placed nicely without any kind of arrangement. That is my thing.

The simple brown paper encases those beautiful flowers. The plain brown paper allows the flower's beauty to shine through. The pairing bringing out the best of each other.

Have a beautiful day people!