Hi,
It's been some time hasn't it? So much has happened this year. I have switched to doing sales at an eCommerce company. My salary has indeed been raised. *winkwink
Responsibilities has increased. Erica is already 3 years old, going 4 once the new year kicks in. My hair is the longest ever. So is my weight, the heaviest ever. Spending power has increased. I have been single* for 2 years after my marriage and I think I'm finally ready to get the papers done.
So much has changed yet more has stayed the same. I'm 23 this year, no longer the young girl. The quarter century mark is looming closer yet am I closer to who I want to be?
I don't know.
I am no longer sure of what I want. Sure my heart still beats a little faster every time I hear a radio ad looking for announcers. But no longer am I sure that is what I want from life.
I joined this new company in April. It was easy peasy lemon sqeezy. I was the onboarding officer for MarketPlace. Before I even hit the 2 months mark, I had the job scope at the back of my hand. I was given the chance to join the fast depleting sales team. Everyone was leaving the team. Not one to say no to an opportunity, I accepted. 3 months in it and I am really soaring. Unfortunately every bird's gona hit something sooner or later. It came sooner than I thought. On the 6th month, something feels off. the drive to go to work is missing. The pressure is suffocating. The boss, overbearing. Colleagues plain annoying. I no longer enjoy work. I've considered changing back to my previous OBT. But persevered because for my last steady gig, I hit a stumped right around this time. Now its been 9 months, and I'm just lost. As for job wise, I'm none the wiser.
Then comes the motherhood segment. Hmmm.... How should I describe this? Erica has been more distant from me than she has ever been. I feel useless when I'm around her. Like I'm not needed. Like I'm just a namesake mum but never there, never wanted. But I know deep down that it is not true. But when my mum, especially my mum is around, I feel like that. All I do, she complains. For this year, I've been doing it her way. What advise she gives I try my best to stick to it. But I just realise a few days ago that it's not right. I starting to resent my time with Erica because of all the limitations, must-dos, should-dos I have to comply to, to meet my mum's standards. AND IT IS RIDICULOUS!
I've had enough of her and I've had enough of it. Limitations, Standards of Living, Must-Dos. Who uses these words anyway? I grew up in a time where I watched movie 24/7, I still survived my adolescence and I'm not stuck to the screen am I? Junk food, fast food, organic food, it's just food. If you can afford the good stuff, go ahead! But if you can't? It's ok. It's ok to give her some popcorns, twiggies, super ring, ribena, it's ok. Don't over think it. It's good enough for others, why isn't it good enough for you? Like I said, if you can comfortably afford it, go ahead. But If you can't it doesn't mean you have to work your ass off to pay for something you don't need. Stop chasing the unattainable. Stop thinking you are so high and mighty, There is chasing a dream then there is letting the dream destroy you. If you can't be bothered to potty train her, let her come into it! you don't have to potty train her the fastest. there is no fucking competition here! Don't let your ego burst your head!
As far as I'm concerned, I know she wants the best for me and for Erica and I am thankful for her being so pushy and supportive. She has brought me up and is still helping me. But I'm not her. I don't have a husband, I had a kid at 20, I don't have a good career, I don't have my shit together. I don't even know what I want. I don't have anyone besides my family. My family is all I have. But I am not her. And I cannot live my life according to what she thinks is the best. In my way I have tried. I've stopped going out with friends, Stop clubbing, Stop hanging out after hours. And now I'm at the in between stage where I don't really have friends to hang who has a family but I also don't have friends who wants to hang out with me for drinks. So all I do is stay home and be grumpy. Not a good thing. Not something I would suggest to anyone.
It's simple, I just goto balance it out. But getting there and maintaining the balance is a different kungfu altogether.
As for financial, I haven't exactly saved up either. Gona check out my bank balance and see what I need to do one day. Either this month or the next. Goto pick a good day. haha. Investments, not ready. So I'm just gona do it the ol fashioned way. Save. Not much to say here. Salary has gone up and so has expenditure. I'll just see what goes.
Relationship wise. Been 2 years. Do I have anyone special in my life? I wish. I do. But I don't. Am I ready to be in a relationship? Well, obviously not. Things are too good to forego now. I have everything MY FUCKING WAY. If I wana curse, I will curse, If I wana wear that obscenely tight dress, I will wear it. If I don't want to care how I look, I don't need to. But I sure do miss being in a relationship. I'll give you that. But all in all. I think I'm going to be single a little while longer.
What's my resolution for next year? Stay true to myself. Loosen the reigns. Have fun. Have control. Prolly gona get a tatt. But I'm still contemplating. Be spontaneous, be responsible, Have fun with Erica, not discipline her. Discipline is not everything. Relationship is. I need her to trust me, love me, need me, talk to me. But not everything is in our control is it? Sometimes, you just need to let God do His thing. Sometime we just need to ask Him for help. Money? It's a means to survive, but there are more important things out there. Acceptance? It's so tempting. It's so delicious, it's like that beautiful Haagen Dazs sitting there, just waiting for you to eat it. It does nobody harm anyway, does it? But be careful, one bite too many and it will consume you. It's ok though. Just remember to wake up and look around you, be appreciative, be thankful.
I guess this year is all about being true to yourself. or myself.
To my future self. A beautiful house is not important, a beautiful home is. A beautiful home is defined by how much the person who lives in the home loves it. How much they look forward to coming back and how much they appreciate having it. It doesn't need a lot of money. It needs a lot of time and love. The same thing applies to everything in life. Money is nothing without love. Love Erica, She is only going to be little for a short while. The beautiful angel who has rejected afternoon naps is finally having a nap on my mattress. While I play on the phone and type away on the lappie. I can do this. I don't need anyone's nod of approval,
Besides that? This was also the year I got around. haha
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