Flawed, Inadequate and Happy

I had a mini meltdown yesterday. Completely lost my mind and did something so crazy and unthinkable I am still unable to speak of it.

I called a friend and broke down. She was absolutely patient in listening and talking sense to me. She said "you can only do your best even if your best may not be very good. Because what else can you do?"

It both made complete sense and sounded crazy at the same time. When I looked at it from my point of view, it sounded crazy because we should all be improving, doing better. To stop and admit that I am just a mediocre person who is pretty fucked in the head seems to be... admitting defeat and saying that I am inadequate. At the same time, it was also cathartic because when I accept I am inadequate, there is a sense of peace. I am inadequate thus, there will be things I have to accept that I am unable to do.

Going to what made me snap was the constant "advises" and "well intention suggestions" on how I am wrong, what I should be doing instead. It's similar to the whole breastmilk vs formula issue and in the heat of everything, I panicked and forgotten the most important element in this whole story. My kid. At all times, I should be asking myself, is she happy? Am I inflicting some deep psychology issue to her that will follow her for the rest of her life? Can I be doing more than what I am already doing?

My reaction to the whole issue stems from the truth that I am not providing as much as others, doing as well as others. But who knows what is happening behind closed doors? Everyone has their own pace. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Instead of asking what others are doing that I am not all the time, try asking am I happy? Is my kid happy? Sometimes, that is enough.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Confidence?

Some days I wake up, look into the mirror and think, if I was a dude, I'll wanna fuck me too. I'm not exactly sure where such confidence come from but its undeniable that it's there. It's always been there. But after the years that confidence manifests differently.

I find I no longer speak my mind as much and is more often quiet now. Partly because I am currently mixing in circles that are not typical for me; partly also because I no longer find the need to explain myself to others. Where I used to find myself launching into a debate or argument to iron out difference of opinion, I have now accepted that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that's the beauty of life. I am so confident that I no longer feel the need to start a debate to notch up a win for myself. I also realise how childish I am. I guess this is what people call adulting.

How did I get here you may ask? Well with a lot of introspection. I have been filling up my life with countless clutter and white noise precisely because it is human nature to fill in the blanks. But sometimes one has to go against the grain to find oneself. I have always advocated on taking the time to stop and look at where one is and figure out if I am closer to where I want to be or am I farther away. And it is time I take my own advise. I am facing my inner clutter and am working out the kinks within myself. This made life so much simpler. It's like using the Marie Kondo method but for my emotional baggage.

A lot of times we are so caught up in the rat race we forget to live. I was guilty of this. But the best thing is that I could and did make the decision to stop and smell the roses and boy, are they glorious. If you have been struggling with confidence issues or getting into mindless debates and want to stop, I wish you all the best.

Guess I've done enough boasting!

As the saying goes:

Let go, or be dragged.

What is happiness?

For people who knew me for a long time, it would come as a surprise that I have such a sudden and dramatic change of heart. I have always been the aggressive one, efficient have been the #1 word used to describe me by clients I serviced. So wanting to let go of this lifestyle and "be humbled" seems a complete 180.

However I have been feeling it for sometime. Yes I do enjoy the aggressiveness and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with achieving milestones and with each achievement the motivation to accomplish more doubles. But there comes a time in life where one becomes jaded and start questioning the point of existence. Does it provide emotional or some would even say spiritual satisfaction?

I cannot speak for others but for myself, all this work has only highlighted the void. I will never and do not regret where my choices has brought me because I am currently doing something I enjoy very much. Writing, thinking, feeling.

There is a certain serenity that comes with doing something that brings me true joy. With writing I discovered a sense of fulfilment. I no longer feel the need to impress just anyone or make purchases to show off. I have begun starting to need less. Family and friends suddenly became more precious. The present became more solid than the past and future. Happiness can be found in simple things. Beauty seen everywhere.

Is this what happiness is?

One of the trademark of long distance relationship is how it can really make or break a relationship and I think this almost 10 years distance from writing made my fire burn brighter. My desire for it has fully consumed my being and only with writing the void seems to less significant. Life really is about learning. I am learning everyday and I hope that I will continue learning.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth ~ Henry David Thoreau

A New Beginning

The day is 6th May 2020, time 8.32pm on a warm Wednesday night.
I'm finally writing again.

Just to bring everyone up to date, I am turning 30 next year, I have achieved what I originally set out to do. That is to be a manager and to own my place and I did it. Amidst the 2 month long MCO shoved at us by the pandemic we call Covid-19 I spent plenty a time pondering and decided I want different things. My goals have changed.

My world is small, filled with unexplored territory and I have every intention to change that. Human are so tiny and minuscule yet I have been given a chance to live on this magnificent planet. It is a very personal choice how one chooses to live their life but I have decided that I want to be humbled, I long to be awed, I want to go out and see the world and be a part of people's lives.

When I started the year, I set up physical goals, to have certain muscles, to do certain exercises, have higher endurance. Which are all great things that I have never achieved. And as I have more and more time to think, I realise what I actually want is to explore Earth.

Mountains have a way with dealing with overconfidence.

This was a quote I read in a documentary and it resonates with me. I have met my share of overconfident people and it has been an eye-opening experience. With such experience, I made a vow to myself that I do not and would not like to be such a person. I want to be able to enjoy solitude, not need external validation. I want to see the beautiful collision of dirt that created something magnificent in magnitude and vision. I want see it in real life and be humbled into silence.

I want to be a better version of myself. I no longer want to be the person who's live is about work, money or beauty. I wanted to need less, consume less, live a more simple life materialistically and enrich my life with experience. Experience of being a genuine part of someone's life.

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self ~ Ernest Hemingway