I had a mini meltdown yesterday. Completely lost my mind and did something so crazy and unthinkable I am still unable to speak of it.
I called a friend and broke down. She was absolutely patient in listening and talking sense to me. She said "you can only do your best even if your best may not be very good. Because what else can you do?"
It both made complete sense and sounded crazy at the same time. When I looked at it from my point of view, it sounded crazy because we should all be improving, doing better. To stop and admit that I am just a mediocre person who is pretty fucked in the head seems to be... admitting defeat and saying that I am inadequate. At the same time, it was also cathartic because when I accept I am inadequate, there is a sense of peace. I am inadequate thus, there will be things I have to accept that I am unable to do.
Going to what made me snap was the constant "advises" and "well intention suggestions" on how I am wrong, what I should be doing instead. It's similar to the whole breastmilk vs formula issue and in the heat of everything, I panicked and forgotten the most important element in this whole story. My kid. At all times, I should be asking myself, is she happy? Am I inflicting some deep psychology issue to her that will follow her for the rest of her life? Can I be doing more than what I am already doing?
My reaction to the whole issue stems from the truth that I am not providing as much as others, doing as well as others. But who knows what is happening behind closed doors? Everyone has their own pace. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. Instead of asking what others are doing that I am not all the time, try asking am I happy? Is my kid happy? Sometimes, that is enough.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are ~ Theodore Roosevelt
